Bad memories are still memories.
From a young age, I realised this:
the nice get bullied,
the mean get power;
the fat get teased,
the pretty get praised;
the poor get discriminated,
the rich get everything.
This just completely supports my mother's statement of "the world is not fair". Mom, you keep telling me the world isn't fair, so is it because people choose to make it unfair? And is it because parents keep teaching children these words, they try so hard to guard themselves against unfairness? But either way, I can't see exactly how the world can be fair right now.
Today I realised I'm gradually becoming very unkind. It's disappointing. I'd hate to see myself become like one of those insensitive freaks I met back at kindergarten. But I'm becoming like that. It's like this hardening process that I'm going through - just perhaps for the sake of not letting anyone do the same shit to me. And occasionally I falter, and proceed to beat myself up for it.
Why the heck do I exercise endlessly man? Because I've fucking been through this ridiculous discrimination. I don't discriminate against big people, because I've seen some really gorgeous beautiful ones. But the fact remains that the scar is just there. And the only way for it to not become a wound again and start seeping blood is to press it down through exercise. So technically speaking, exercise is like a huge plaster. It can hide but it can't heal. Somebody get me some, I don't know, healing potion.
How many times have I brought up my love for money? My adoration for cold, hard cash. As cold and relentless as the hearts of the people who used to taunt me. So that I can roll these bills up into tight hard balls to hurl at you people, duh. You equated love to money, and money to love. I believed in that misconception and I started to believe my parents didn't love me. Oh it wasn't just money of course, I don't think I was that materialistic as a kid. There were many other factors. It takes plenty of snow to make a big fat snowball that could go BONG! right smack on your head.
Memories from my past just keep coming back. I'm remembering these things a million times more vividly nowadays, and it just keeps eating into my good side.
"Oh, you should just learn to let go of your past."
Easier said than done -_-
I can come up with all the crap you're gonna use to comfort people. I comfort people all the time. I know what they need, what they want to hear. And I know what I want to hear as well. But so? People who haven't heard it feel comfort from such words. People like me, who've heard these things already, are NUMB towards it. Oh and by the way, many of these words were not said to me by people around me. These inspiring messages were brought to me by people from all over the world - floating around the internet. And because all these messages are the same, they just sound so painfully rehearsed. I know how it works, that's why it doesn't work for me.
Ironic isn't it?
But not everyone's the same of course.
I've got plenty of things to feel for in my current life but I'd just like to spit some of my past out right across the screen. And the fact that people think I don't update just makes it all the more fun. The next post could be a really cheerful, chirpy one. Then they scroll down and "OOPS!" what's this post about?!
To a teacher from Chip Bee Kindergartens...
亲爱的刘老师：
你根本没有资格当老师。
And to another who's more than a teacher, also from the same kindergarten...
亲爱的孔老师：
非常感谢你。 我是那个在三岁那年喜欢跟着你上厕所的学生。
This is what I mean by save the best for the last.
I tried to find her on Facebook but I don't even know what her full name is. She hardly smiled but I can't seem to picture her not smiling. It would be amazing to see this person again but I wouldn't know what to say. Which doesn't seem very typical of me, eh?
How about this, let's continue the damn post. I was so afraid of people of MY age, I rarely spoke. Nobody would encourage me to speak anyway - I was just a stupid kid whom nobody liked, that's why nobody spoke to me.
All the pinching, pushing, scoffing, mocking, punishing, hitting, and 'teaching' - I'll remember forever.
the nice get bullied,
the mean get power;
the fat get teased,
the pretty get praised;
the poor get discriminated,
the rich get everything.
This just completely supports my mother's statement of "the world is not fair". Mom, you keep telling me the world isn't fair, so is it because people choose to make it unfair? And is it because parents keep teaching children these words, they try so hard to guard themselves against unfairness? But either way, I can't see exactly how the world can be fair right now.
Today I realised I'm gradually becoming very unkind. It's disappointing. I'd hate to see myself become like one of those insensitive freaks I met back at kindergarten. But I'm becoming like that. It's like this hardening process that I'm going through - just perhaps for the sake of not letting anyone do the same shit to me. And occasionally I falter, and proceed to beat myself up for it.
Why the heck do I exercise endlessly man? Because I've fucking been through this ridiculous discrimination. I don't discriminate against big people, because I've seen some really gorgeous beautiful ones. But the fact remains that the scar is just there. And the only way for it to not become a wound again and start seeping blood is to press it down through exercise. So technically speaking, exercise is like a huge plaster. It can hide but it can't heal. Somebody get me some, I don't know, healing potion.
How many times have I brought up my love for money? My adoration for cold, hard cash. As cold and relentless as the hearts of the people who used to taunt me. So that I can roll these bills up into tight hard balls to hurl at you people, duh. You equated love to money, and money to love. I believed in that misconception and I started to believe my parents didn't love me. Oh it wasn't just money of course, I don't think I was that materialistic as a kid. There were many other factors. It takes plenty of snow to make a big fat snowball that could go BONG! right smack on your head.
Memories from my past just keep coming back. I'm remembering these things a million times more vividly nowadays, and it just keeps eating into my good side.
"Oh, you should just learn to let go of your past."
Easier said than done -_-
I can come up with all the crap you're gonna use to comfort people. I comfort people all the time. I know what they need, what they want to hear. And I know what I want to hear as well. But so? People who haven't heard it feel comfort from such words. People like me, who've heard these things already, are NUMB towards it. Oh and by the way, many of these words were not said to me by people around me. These inspiring messages were brought to me by people from all over the world - floating around the internet. And because all these messages are the same, they just sound so painfully rehearsed. I know how it works, that's why it doesn't work for me.
Ironic isn't it?
But not everyone's the same of course.
I've got plenty of things to feel for in my current life but I'd just like to spit some of my past out right across the screen. And the fact that people think I don't update just makes it all the more fun. The next post could be a really cheerful, chirpy one. Then they scroll down and "OOPS!" what's this post about?!
To a teacher from Chip Bee Kindergartens...
亲爱的刘老师：
你根本没有资格当老师。
And to another who's more than a teacher, also from the same kindergarten...
亲爱的孔老师：
非常感谢你。 我是那个在三岁那年喜欢跟着你上厕所的学生。
This is what I mean by save the best for the last.
I tried to find her on Facebook but I don't even know what her full name is. She hardly smiled but I can't seem to picture her not smiling. It would be amazing to see this person again but I wouldn't know what to say. Which doesn't seem very typical of me, eh?
How about this, let's continue the damn post. I was so afraid of people of MY age, I rarely spoke. Nobody would encourage me to speak anyway - I was just a stupid kid whom nobody liked, that's why nobody spoke to me.
All the pinching, pushing, scoffing, mocking, punishing, hitting, and 'teaching' - I'll remember forever.
posted by Jenna at
6:35 AM
0 Comments
